Forgiveness

I have been trying to tire myself out tonight playing computer games and finally getting my alone down time at 12:30 in the morning. I have already went to bed and found that I couldn't sleep. I wondered why. I have been fighting a cold the last few days and I really don't want to get any worse. Finally, 15 minutes ago I realized why. I was thinking about how I excited I am for my parents to come out at Thanksgiving and how upset I am that they are coming out at a time when he is suppose to have that holiday. My parents are very ok and I have been warming up to the idea. However, I started to think about his family and how nasty they have been to me the last year and a half.

All of a sudden I get the message from God: FORGIVE THEM. I started to think about all the emails that they have sent me trying to turn the table on me saying that I am the one at fault. FORGIVE THEM. I realized why. he always played the victim and everyone has felt sorry for him.....including now. So now the story is "Mom I was arrested because I threw something at Theresa but she threw something at me first." (lie) So Mom goes into protection mode "you threw something at him a BLEEDER." The only thing they know is his story which he has twisted to make himself the hero and the good guy. I am a fault. No one has put together the pieces of the fact he was told by his mother that he needed to stop throwing things as his father patched up another hole in the wall of our house. "Mom she is so mean and I can't handle her." "It's ok...let me take care of it." To which she turns on me fighting his battles

I chose the whole way in this problem to act in a way that I could walk away and be proud of. I can proudly say I have. It has taken many me typing scathing emails that people have whittled down to nothing in order for me to be honorable. I couldn't fight my part because they wouldn't believe me if I tried. So now the hard part, FORGIVE THEM. As I was sitting here tonight I got this picture of his mother's spirit coming to me at her moment of death and finally forgiving me as she saw the whole picture as she realized God's infinte love and the limitations of our bodies here on Earth.

I also got the message of Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to step back into a relationship full force expecting it to be the same way as this isn't something I want. I have learned and now I can still keep the strong boundaries....however, behind the wall there has to be forgiveness realizing that they don't know what they have done.

Perhaps this is the same blindness that happened at Jesus's crucifixion as Jesus uttered those same words: "Father forgive them for they do not know what they are doing." Luke 23:34

Ok so now there is more message. I went to go look up the previous biblical passage and I ran across this article on forgiveness. Check out some of the following quotes:

"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, lowliness, meekness, and patience...forgiving each other." (Col 3:12-13)

Unforgiveness blocks the healing love of the Lord from entering. It is not that people do not pray the right prayer, not that they do not have faith, but becasue they do not understand the necessity of forgiveness.

When we forgive, we do ourselves a big favor. We heal ourselves of the pain, hurt and bad memories. We discover humility. We rid ourselves of the sins of pride - the biggest obstacle to healing.

The following is something I don't know if I can do because I have to set boundaries as based on the past. Any comments here would surely help me understanding the type of forgiveness I have to have in this situation.

Total forgiveness means we forgive and forget. We do not destroy the picture and keep the negative. We totally let go of the hurt.
When we cannot forgive or ask for forgiveness, we are in bondage. It is our responsibility to free the person we hurt from the bondage and communicate our sincere desire for forgiveness. Ask that person to forgive you with all humility. Forgiveness is bitterness replaced with compassion and love.

Ok...so I can stop hurting over it as now I understand why they are but communication with them about my forgiveness wouldn't work right now and maybe never. I think I can replace the bitterness and can love them and be compassionate to them because I would believe my son in the same way they are....but I also believe I would also know that my son had a part in this also and isn't totally inocent.

The sooner we forgive, the sooner we are healed. We hold the key to unlock the chain of the heavy metal ball around our leg that we drag daily. This hurt becomes a constant part or our lives that we forget is there.

http://www.cwo.com/~pentrack/catholic/healforgive.html

WOW so this is why I am up tonight. A lot to ponder and cleanse my heart. This is why I entitled my blog Healing with Love. I can only heal with the pure love of God and surround myself with the people who love me and decorate my soul with color and vitality.

Ok...I am tired now and have a lot to think about. Good night.