Too long!!!

Ok...eight months away and I am back. I have been looking so much for an out let and facebook just doesn't do it...plus only my bestest (lol) friends in the whole world read my blog and I guess some of them need to know what is the best things go in my heart....

I guess I need to start with what has happened in order to get to what is going on now. I have always felt I am a very goal oriented person and had pretty strong goals for myself...the last time I had really wrote down my goals I was 18...here is what they pretty much were:

1. Complete H.S. (check)
2. Get my BA (check)
3. Find a job (check)
4. Find a husband (check)
5. have babies (check)

The last two were probably the hardest for me. First, because my self esteem was in the toilet...I didn't feel worth having a strong man to have as a husband. I felt I didn't deserve happiness. Having babies wasn't physically hard...just hard emotionally because it was one of teh most depressed times in my life. Something I dreamed of all my life and to think of it as one of the most difficult is the hardest to stomach. However, I did savor it and was the best Mom I could be to my children....(still try to be.)

Over the last two years my goals were:

1. Survive
2. Finalize the divorce
3. And get my life going.

Over the last few months I have been contemplating how to get my life going. I thought...marriage....Marrige is where I want to go...however, I am not going to pressure Joe. Joe has his own time and he knows that this is what I want and he knows also this is what he wants. I also started thinking...what is the difference to what we have now and what we would have then. Wedding would be over and still I would be right back where I was. Not to say I wouldn't marry Joe tomorrow if he asked me as I desire that....but I didn't want to be stuck with the feeling I have now of unhappiness.

I looked at the spots of my life that I am unhappy with and realized my job is making me unhappy. My kids and Joe make me very happy...but I am so bored. I needed a change. So this year I decided to try to change and find a new job. No luck...Joe suggested I try to broaden my horizons and become a more marketable teacher. I had already done a lot of soul searching if I wanted to change careers and even looked out side of teaching and couldn't find anything that really inspired me. I talked with several people telling them I would like to become a special ed teacher as it really seems a needed profession and a huge interest for me since having Adam. I have no desire to get a Master's in Music.

So I decided I would start looking for a school and get started on it. I decided it was my goal to start in January. We were on a drive up North a few weeks ago and Joe and I were talking and after awhile I decided I wouldn't put it off until January but start now. I went to an open house that just happened to be advertised on Facebook and applied and this week was just accepted to St. Mary's as a graduate student for MA in Special Education.

I have direction and am more excited for anything than I have been in a long time. I never imagined I would get my Masters and here I am just a short 21 months away from it. A lot of hard work...but no pain no gain. Joe is supporting me 100% with this and will be taking on the responsibility of teh kids when I am at class and even dealing with Jim during exchanges when needed if I am at class. This is such a new start and a positive start. I start class this week.

I promise I won't be so long...especially now when I feel myself growing again.

T