Change is good!!!

Tonight I had to think a long time about what I was going to write about. No real epiphanys hit me today. Or so I thought. I spent much time today with change. I am almost done cleaning out the upstairs part of the house. I also spent a lot of time over the last couple days going through maternity clothes, baby clothes. Choosing what would go to Goodwill and which I would try to consign or sell to our second hand baby store. I have left a time in my life that I looked forward to all my life...and it ended up being the hardest time of my life.

Do I want to go back and do it again. Absolutely not. I am enjoying my full nights rest, the absence of diapers and the independence a 3 and 6 year old brings. I do miss somethings...like cuddling with a little one who is nursing at my breast, watching them dream and smile in my arms. What I don't miss is the exhaustion. Of anything about my babies, I was always exhausted because I never got any relief. Just because we had a baby in the house....someones life was not to change....and all the changing was on one person....me. I was so bitter about being up 1/2 the night with one child and then getting up with the kids while someone else was sleeping in. My life was consumed with begrudging and fighting for relief. I made sure, however, I enjoyed my babies lives while they were babies. I made sure to cuddle, hug them, laugh, and general just enjoy being their momma and seeing the sun rise and set on me. Ah....it goes way too fast. I am totally satisfied.

I have been shedding a lot of skin in my life....not only the maternity clothes but looking around at stuff and surrounding myself with the things that make me me. My best friend came over today and I told her I gave much of my angel collection to Goodwill. She suggested I just put it away....I said...no I don't need it anymore. I have the ones that mean the most to me...and that is all I need. I looked at two of the angels that matched. ONe was one that Kaitlyn's Grandma had given to her when she was a baby. I had it in the bag last night and it was just because of who brought it into the house. I stopped when I saw the beautiful angel my Mom had given me the day after I had Adam.....and I realized....that if I gave it away...there would be no baby angel for Kaitlyn. Even though I may be resentful of the way I am treated Kaitlyn will still love her Grandma and it would be nice for her to have something from her when she was a baby. Still I look at it and fume...so over the next day it will be put away out of sight until Kaitlyn is ready to understand it and treasure it.

One of the biggest things I have loved since separation is change. Very shortly after we separated I started changing stuff, like Wall colors. I painted my bedroom yellow. I loved it and I loved it because I wanted it and I didn't have to ask for anyone elses approval. I changed the furniture around and didn't have anyone throwing a hissy fit over the arrangement. In fact, the day after I changed my bedroom around Adam came in and said, "Mom, you changed the furniture! I really like it." This from a kid who is usually resistant to change. Now every so often he will move something in his room to make it different and he is so proud of it.

I know Adam and his Dad are very much a like because of the genetic abnormality but my goal is to let Adam enjoy change and not be so stuck on it being the way it is. Today we stopped by Burger King on the way home and he insisted on having chicken and apple fries. (we have been eating lunch out way too much this week.) I told him no that he had to have something different. I talked him into a cheese burger and he gobbled it up. He protested however when I ordered fries for him instead of apple fries. I told him fries or nothing and he chose nothing, kicking and screaming of course....Kaitlyn graciously shared her fries with him and he even said...."Hmmmm....I like them." However, when offered again his bag of fries...nothing could be done....he wasn't changing his mind.

I was stuck for 10 years trying to fit in a mold that I outgrew and he asked me last week to come back to which I knew deep down that I could never, ever fit into that mold ever again. I have grown and blossomed so much. I told my therapist about a year ago about tending my garden and pulling all the weeds out. I looked at his garden and saw all the weeds in there and knew I couldn't pull them for him....then I realized that he was a weed in my garden....Now that I pulled him.....I am flourishing and loving, and loving and living.